Friday, June 20, 2008

What did i actually want to become??....

Here it is... My very first blog. I always wanted to write something. But I was lazy to get started. I was to start sometime back. But the problem was that I was out of ideas once I'm in front of the comp and when I really wanna write I wont have a comp to chalk it down. To start with, I would like to thank all my friends for inspiring me to start blogging.
I was going through one of my friend's blogs when I came across an interesting fact. She is learning to be an engineer but she wanted to be a dancer. I was thinking of how people dream about being something and life taking it away from them.

Suddenly a thought struck me....

My dream was to become a pilot
And how did I end up being an engineer. Now I'm going back in time trying to find out why I wanted to be a pilot.

I cant actually remember why.

It was certainly not because I watched American movies as I have never watched them a long time ago. Anyway it was the era of Doordarshan and hardly any English movies were screened.
I think I got it. When I was in fourth standard my father went to Bangalore by flight. Due to some unknown reason I also wanted to go along. He couldn't take me as it was a business trip.

Reminds me of 'No. 1 Sneehatheram Bangalore north'(its a Malayalam movie).

So I cried the whole day and night. I didn't allow him to go out of my sight. That was the situation. At last my dad tricked me. He told me he'd get an auto so that we could go. And the next time I saw him was after a week when he returned.

Dunno why but something still burns inside me when I think about it.

I think that's when I decided that I want to be a pilot.

Next time I discussed this dream was with my friend who also dreamed about becoming a pilot. Ironically he is studying for M.B.B.S and will be a good doctor in years to come.

Now we rush through time. Years pass by. I had no idea how to reach this dream. I never bothered to inquire about it either. I was playing with my friends as any 10 year old. Now I am in 8th standard. My favorite subject is Social science. I'm not that good in maths. We had a good maths teacher. I understood everything what she said.

That was the crucial time in my life.

I was enjoying my school days to the limit till something happened. My teacher gave us all a problem and asked us to do it and submit it to her. I didn't know how to do the problem. So I copied it from a friend Joe, next to me. He was a student at my teacher's tuition center and she had done the problem there the previous day. Now when I went to submit my book she asked me how I did the problem. As the case was I didn't know how it was done. So I said something and escaped. She understood what had happened. She didn't say anything there but she commented about me in her tuition center and my friends came and told this to me. I got really mad and wanted to make a point.

Now I noted that my best friend Manoj sitting in the second bench was a natural. He never did problems before exams. He could just go through his note book and he knew every bit of it. I joined him. I did all the problems in the text before we did it in the class and I became the maths hero in class. I had changed my teacher's opinion. She had praised me in her tuition class. But something else happened alongside.

I started loving maths.
In the years to come I couldn't live to that standard but I always maintained some interest.

Physics was my fathers subject. I never liked it in my 8th grade. I flunked in my mid term physics exam. This aggravated the situation and I hated the subject. I learned the subject just because my mom forced me to. I had a good example in my father. He did B. Sc. in physics and went on to become a company executive which had nothing to do with the subject. I loved biology at that time. It was my mom's subject.

Don't know why, maybe I got her gene's for that.

At this time there was a talk in our school about vedic mathematics. They asked me what my dream was. I didn't know why but I said

I wanna be a doctor.....
So much for the pilot.

Again we skip through time. I went through many tests of life but I stuck to my dream of becoming a doctor. I didn't fare that well in 10th boards. My mother had to beg to get me to a good Entrance coaching center.

I was in 11 now. I had skipped biology for coaching as the possibility of getting an M.B.B.S seat was remote. Even when I dreamed of becoming a doctor, I didn't have the guts to stand up and say that I wanted it. To begin with I didn't fare well in my coaching center. But as time progressed I improved and earned some respect.
Again I saw something different.

Even though I was strong at maths it was physics that set me apart from the others. The same physics which I hated till 10th was the subject that distinguished me. Whenever the physics exam was tough I got better ranks. Now things were getting straight.

Physics + Maths = Engineering

This was the math I knew. Even when I was good at math I didn't see the options open to me. Many call it the trend during my time which still continues. I never thought about all the other choices. It was as if they never existed. Maybe I could do a degree in Physics or math. I wouldn't have become a teacher, but I could have known the world as it was made, and not the world of engineering, the world man has made for himself. I still dunno why I made that choice.

When I look back now I feel sad, sad but not guilty. Yes I made a good choice. Maybe it was the best choice but the problem is that there is nothing to choose from. There is none in this world I can blame for this. Its my choice as it is my life. Suddenly I feel its all fate. Fate, the word all of us use when we feel things are not in our hands but it was r choice in the first place.